Unfiltered Thoughts

He put his hand in mine It was cute First date, progress I'm over it first dates, cute things Can we move past the talking stage I want to find home I'm the girl who writes love poems sad poems Dear boy, please love me Dear boy, fuck you! Mommy please love me, daddy please love me Love poems, sad poems Somebody, please love me Love  me I love me Boy, mommy, daddy Do you hear me? I said I love me I AM HOME x

Can you see me or are you too wrapped up in your head? Can you hear me? You like the sound of your voice, a bit too much, I think. Are you blind?  Or maybe you just don't give a shit? I'm right here, in front of you. Why can't you see me? Why does talking to you feel like shouting into the void? You're so frustrating! I'm not my disease, it's a part of who I am  but for fuck's sake, there's a  lot more to me that just this fucking mental illness! Why can't you see that? As a whole, I'm more than just the fucking sum of my parts! You don't label cancer patients cancerous, why do you define me by my depression?  I am a work of art, a fucking masterpiece, why can't you see that? I wish you'd take off those rose tinted glasses and take a fucking good look at me. I'm not your ex, she left, I'm here. Why can't you see that I AM HERE. She's gone, let her go! You make such a big deal about how I can't trust you, how ...

A decade ago I started down a path with a single question, does God really care? About me, He care about me? I wasn't asking about why the world is such a messed up place, my questions had nothing to do with the injustices in the world, starving children, wars or diseases, that came later, much later. My angst was very personal, does God care about me? If He does indeed care, why did He allow all the bad shit in my life to happen? What kind of sick game is He playing at? How could He allow me to be hurt in the various ways I was? And why did he appear deaf and dumb to my pleas and my existence. Where is this love that I faithfully told others about? This love that was supposed to sustain me? I began to think He didn't care, for a Being so powerful, He didn't offer much help. And I really wasn't asking for a lot, I was not looking for miracles, just  a sign that He cared, could He maybe  show Himself in a way I couldn't miss? It was and is impossible to...

I found myself in the words she wrote I saw myself in her revelations I read about my past in her art I saw my future in her musings The way she made me feel She made me feel things The struggles of a black woman The fight to self, to love self To be herself, myself. The warpath she blazed against misogyny The quiet steady trail she paved to love She made me feel things Deep things Her rant against God How can I believe in a God, who doesn’t believe in me? The fight to believe, a bloodbath for her faith I saw me in her I saw her in me We are one The things she made me feel Deep things She carved out my soul She told the world our story Held it up as a light for our sisters to follow This dark, dreary road Why? I wonder… Her fight for the love of a man She lost the battles; will she win the war? She craves love, longs to be held Yet she fights, she tires me Settle down THEY whisper You’ll be easier to love She fights, I fight! Come she beacons Fol...

This week I ran into a girl, no, a woman, I haven't seen in 4 or 5 years and it was love at first sight all over again. As I sat across from and stared at her I remembered why I was so infatuated with her, why I've always been madly in love her. I haven't thought about her since we lost touch but in the name of all things holy, it was like we never parted. The instant connection of our souls was magical. She's always been my best friend and I, her number one fan. She's still beautiful, even more so now. Lol, she actually wears clothes that fit now. She's always been intelligent, I loved hearing her thoughts, the space between her ears is where I made my home years ago. And she's grown! She's so mature now, a lot  more worldly wise than I ever thought her capable. A bit cynical but ever the hopeful dreamer. My favourite thing about her has always been her capacity to empathize, now she's even more compassionate. My God, has it made her th...

You'll find me by the bar  nursing a glass of Coke Staring into the abyss Lost in the blackhole of daydreams Encapsulated in a cacoon of broken dreams. An hour later You'll find me by the stage Dancing to the rythym the live band plays Lost in the tune of hopes and dreams Shaking, shimmying, Groving It's a spiritual awakening The Gods of my fathers have heard my silent plea By midnight You'll find me in a dark corner Locking lips, morphing into one being with a fine looking chap, Tugging on his shirt, pulling him closer It's a marriage of strangers' souls I don't even know his name, but I'll write about him in my journal But not even an hour later You'll find me outside the establishment Hailing a cab by myself The man whose soul I sucked out with my lips will remain a pleasant memory The women whose friendship I made I'll probably never call I'll be back in two-three months to do this again To forget myself To r...

Philip Larkin wrote a poem about how parents f*ck you up. They pass on their faults and add a few more, just for you. I agree with him, and even more so that it is through no fault of their own. How in turn, they were f*cked up by their parents. I'm contemplating his solution, he advises us to "get out while you can, don't have any kids of your own." But there's really no danger in that seeing as I have not found a person to procreate with. Blaming my parents is no longer excusable at my age, I have taken responsibility for my issues but I'm feeling petty because my mother didn't tell me she loved me too, when I called her yesterday. She said thank you instead, thank you! I still haven't made the appointment with the shrink I was referred to, so I am going to rant on the internet. I mean what is a personal blog for anyway? I'll write a book when they are old and blind. Like most of us, I've been blessed with issues by my loving parent...

 I spent last week reconciling myself to the fact that I'm the bitch who broke his heart and he's the one I let get away. It was hard to come to terms with but I had to face facts, I still love him, deeply and truly. I shared this revelation with some of my friends and they said they knew. I spend this week wrestling with the fact that I want him, badly.  I can't have him, he's with someone he loves deeply and he appears to be content. I would never do anything to jeopardise his happiness, I hurt him once, I'd never deliberately do anything to hurt him again. I'm steering well clear of him. He is everything I pictured I wanted growing up. He was the embodiment of my day dreams and fantasies. By the second date, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry, he's the only man I've ever thought of marrying.  I thought that man did not exist.  He was and is not perfect, but I believe he was perfect for me. The stuff that annoyed me about him, I merely shrugge...

 "I was young and stupid." That was the response he gave me as to why he raped my friend back in uni. I can't help but wonder how he thinks that response would suffice or appease. I don't know what or how to respond to his pleas for absolution when the last time I saw him, I was with her and all he said to her was "It didn't end well with us".  I'm not the one he should be even talking to about this. I officially met him three years ago, I thought he was smooth, had swag and hot as a tamalie! It turns out he's had his eye on me for years but I was in a relationship so I shut that down. Fast forward to last month I run into him at Chopsi's and he was all up in my space, insisted on my number. This time I was single, so I thought why not, he's still got it. When he walked away one of my girls tell me he raped her in her first year. I was shook. I ignored his call when he called three days later and then he calls me again last night, thi...

It's over, done, gone. Whatever the relationship was, he ended it. It's dead and buried. We are getting ahead of ourselves, nothing is dead or buried in the first week after a breakup. Here are my emotions: Obviously I'm not the one that ended things 1 . Shock and Disbelief  The first thing that comes to mind is that it can't be true. I don't understand, what do you mean we are broken up? There's a literal pit in my stomach, it's not possible. No, I don't want to be broken up. Yes, I saw the signs, I'm not stupid, just in denial.  I'm not signing off on this, we are not broken up. 2. Confusion When I sort off, kind off, faced the music, that yes, he did in fact end things; I'm left with in a state of pandemonium. I can't make out whether I am crying or laughing, where did he end and where did I begin? We had morphed into an us where I lost myself. My feelings are all jumbled up because I feel like my heart's been carve...

It's the end of September and I've been on more dates in the past five months than I've been on my entire life.When I first embarked on this dating journey, it wasn't a search for love, I just needed a little male attention. Here's my working knowledge, subject to change and updating: 1. Everyone has something to offer I was so into my type of guy I never gave anyone else who didn't fit the mold a second look. There's more to people then just the stereotypical type box we think they are. You'll be surprised to find that the skater boy is a hardcore humanist as well and I've found that animé can just be a riveting topic for discussion as Dostoyevsky, it sounds like blasphemy but I swear it's not. Expand your horizons, give them a shot, you'll maybe not regret it. 2. Being good looking helps I met the majority of my dates online, because I'm still working on my pick up lines to use at bars. The last dating site I joined, I liter...

It's official I've left my beloved position of singledom. I met someone I like more than being single, feels strange. I can't remember what it felt like with my ex during the first week of that relationship because I was too high on endorphins. And infatuated people make the worst journal entries, short, incoherent and sporadic. With nothing to compare this past week to, this is what the first week of my new relationship feels like. 1. Torture It's pure unadulterated torture. How is it possible to miss someone you just kissed goodbye 60 seconds ago? I just saw him! Why the hell am I missing him all the damn time? There's a pit in my stomach and it only goes away when he's around.  Bae is like crack, I'm craving a fix. 2.  Exciting The anticipation of knowing that I'll be seeing him has me bouncing my knee nervously the whole damn day, clock watching, counting the hours. Current situation: ETA 7 hours  40 minutes. I can't wait! ...

 I've spent my whole life trying to live up to the ideal of special, extraordinary. It is all I've ever known; I saw it in the protagonist of the books I have been reading since I discovered the library; these amazing men and women who were instantly recognized as something more by just being themselves.  It came from my teachers and peers who treated me like something more because I got the highest grades in my class "She will do great things." They said.  My pastors/spiritual leaders said I had a gift. I was a natural born leader. God created only one of me and there was a destiny only I could fulfil. It didn't hurt that I was pretty good at everything I tried. I got the complex from being the only girl growing up among boys and my parents' favourite child.  Everyone told me I was something and I believed them. That is until I hit my early twenties; I stopped doing all those things that people said made me special, I quit school, social circles, stopp...

Urban Dictionary Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups. I know it's part of the millennial trademark to complain about adulting and pat ourselves on the back when we do everyday tasks needed for survival like cooking a meal, doing laundry but we are really doing ourselves a disservice when we put up such posts on social media. Your biggest achievement to date is not doing your laundry, you are a highly competent legal researcher for Parliament;hashtag the career advancing moves instead. It's ironic how un-ironically we ironically use the term adulting. Being an adult is hard, learning to handle the challenges that come with this stage in our lives may take a few tries and plenty perseverance;however we are doing it and doing it fairly well. Even when we don't feel like #ADULTING we do, we get up and show up. You're an adult, it's ...

Can men and women just be friends? That is an apparently hard question to answer. Can two single, relatively attractive people of the opposite sex just be friends and nothing more? The answer to this question from my personal experience is I don't know, maybe?  Word of caution, if you're interested in dating one of the two friends, look closely, very closely. Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point. Once upon a time on a university campus in Windhoek there was a girl who met a guy. The girl and guy somehow became friends, the girl doesn't remember how. They were both involved in campus ministry, they saw each other most days of the week and they both went to the same non-denominational bible study in the park on Saturdays. They called and texted each other all the time, the girl liked they guy very much and suspected that the guy liked her too. However they guy never made a move and soon the girl grew disillusioned, maybe the guy didn't like her like that...

Last week when a senior colleague asked me when I'm going to get married and have kids, I said something that made me take pause. I said I can't even imagine having kids when I still feel like a kid myself. PAUSE, I'm in my late twenties, why do I still feel like a kid?  I did what every millennial would, I googled it... Apparently, it's a  thing. For some people, it's  psychological thing, adults with careers, kids, houses and spouses who feel like they are playing house and not grown up enough for these responsibilities. For others, they are literal children in adults bodies with mum and dad taking care of them. Apparently there's a generation (or a portion thereof) that refuses to grow up, no  mortgage, no marriage, no children and definitely no career plan. Crazy right? I feel like a kid playing grown up, the only thing I've checked off on the grown up list is a career, no mortgage, spouse or kids. This is such a first world problem though. Why ...