Philip Larkin wrote a poem about how parents f*ck you up. They pass on their faults and add a few more, just for you. I agree with him, and even more so that it is through no fault of their own. How in turn, they were f*cked up by their parents. I'm contemplating his solution, he advises us to "get out while you can, don't have any kids of your own." But there's really no danger in that seeing as I have not found a person to procreate with.
Blaming my parents is no longer excusable at my age, I have taken responsibility for my issues but I'm feeling petty because my mother didn't tell me she loved me too, when I called her yesterday. She said thank you instead, thank you! I still haven't made the appointment with the shrink I was referred to, so I am going to rant on the internet. I mean what is a personal blog for anyway? I'll write a book when they are old and blind.
Like most of us, I've been blessed with issues by my loving parents. Shall I count the ways they've screwed me up?
1. Fear of abondenment
Right from infancy, my parents didn't waste time. They shipped me off to kindergarten when I was a barely a year old. You know, because I had to make way for my younger brother. My dad checked out of his role as a father when I was about 11 and embraced the bottle instead. I only saw my mother sometimes during school holidays. So forgive me if I seem like a cold hearted bitch sometimes, I'm only trying to protect my heart.
2. Trust Issues
My dad embraced the bottle and with it came a lot of women. He went from world's greatest dad to barely able to stand on own two feet in a few months. How is a girl supposed to reconcile herself to the fact that her hero, is now a good time cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine.
3.Commitment Phobia
I'm allergic to commitment like it's poison ivy. It took EVERYTHING in me to commit to my ex and that didn't work out, so best of luck to the guy trying to "lock me down.". Even Jesus can't help you and I've been washed in the blood.
4. My rather complex relationship with money
I will pay my own bills because my darling parents taught me to get your own and not relay on any one. And not in a healthy manner, enough said.
5. Racial Prejudice
This one I blame solely on my darling papa. He didn't like white people, except the ones he knew. All white people are racists, except his friends. "That's Uncle-what's-his-face, he's not white, he's your Uncle." I think the absolute same way.
6. I have the emotional capacity of a man.
My Father did a wonderful job of raising me like a emotionally constipated boy, when he was sober enough to pay attention that is. He was a rock, therefore I am a rock. I was raised in his image. A literal emotional rock.
Like I said earlier I can't blame them anymore, it would be immature and I am working on these things and going back to therapy, so there's hope yet. There are people who have had worse childhoods than mine. I love my parents dearly, I'm just blowing off steam.
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