A decade ago I started down a path with a single question, does God really care? About me, He care about me? I wasn't asking about why the world is such a messed up place, my questions had nothing to do with the injustices in the world, starving children, wars or diseases, that came later, much later. My angst was very personal, does God care about me?
If He does indeed care, why did He allow all the bad shit in my life to happen? What kind of sick game is He playing at? How could He allow me to be hurt in the various ways I was? And why did he appear deaf and dumb to my pleas and my existence. Where is this love that I faithfully told others about? This love that was supposed to sustain me?
I began to think He didn't care, for a Being so powerful, He didn't offer much help. And I really wasn't asking for a lot, I was not looking for miracles, just a sign that He cared, could He maybe show Himself in a way I couldn't miss?
It was and is impossible to deny His existence, that much was clear from the word go. The logical conclusion is that He just didn't give a fuck, not. a. single. one. Not about me anyway.
So why should I care about a God who doesn't care about me? This impersonal detached being couldn't be bothered about how I live my life, it doesn't follow that I try to please Him. I, therefore chose to do as I see fit. I didn't go crazy, I wasn't out partying or drinking or having non stop mind blowing sex, put the touches down. I merely purposed in my heart to live my life according to my terms.
And queue the existential crises. If not religion, not God, where do I find my worth? How do I define myself? Is there purpose to my life or am I merely taking up space and oxygen?
I thought maybe the philosophers had the answers, what is the meaning of life? I read Nietzche, Dostoevsky, Kant, Spinoza, Aquinas, C S Lewis, Socrates. I read far and wide, with an open mind. I even looked to other religions, I even ended up in a mosque for payer. I had an three hour long discussion about Christianity and Islam with an Imam, Harry and a former colleague. Although a worthy pursuit, philosophy held no answers for me. I came to the realization that it was all up to me really, I had to choose. That's what I had, a choice.
I had to find the answers within, What did I care about? What do I want my life to be about, what kind of legacy did I want to leave? No one can tell me what I had to decide, not even God.
It took me stepping away from organised religion, attending church on Sunday, Prayer meetings on Monday, to discover how shallow and unwelcoming the Christian lifestyle I was living was; to ask all the big questions. And this was just the beginning, how does one go about defining themselves and their life?
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