Unfiltered Thoughts

An old ex friend of mine is, I gather, going through a difficult time, she's hurting. I was wondering if I should reach out to her and offer a shoulder to cry on. I'm not looking to swoop in to save her, from what I remember, she's just needed someone to hold space for her to be. I'd learned to be that for her. Right now, I think, there's no one. Maybe, or maybe I am. I've learned to make it my job to step in and make things okay. Never mind me, what do you need? I've abandoned, I continue to betray myself  to "rescue'' others. It's the trend, I see a need, I step in. It's exhausting and I'm only just beginning to face up to this fact in therapy. If I don't "help", if I put myself first and make the necessary changes, will these people, still love me?   You see, she hurt me deeply, two years ago and didn't bother to apologize or even acknowledge the incident. When I've run into her because of a mutual friend, we...

Human relations are messy AF! It's volatile feelings and filtered intentions, it's seeing the past in the present, projecting and it's trying being present in the here and now. So here's the thing I believe about relating, you need to have some kind of chemistry to connect. There must be some base level of attraction, something must draw you to the person. I can tell you why I love each and every one of my friends, every single one. We have a spark, a connection.  Some of my friends are male and some of these male friends have girlfriends, and apparently there in lies the problem. The last time I had to deal with my guy friend's girlfriend's drama, I was ready to walk away, but he wisely told me that if i'm going to make her insecurities mine, that's on me, he hasn't taken them on, it's up to me what I do with it. He set clear boundaries and made very clear the roles we both play in his life. He married her, and I was his witness when we wen...

I knew love once, but he left, some 7 years ago. His name was Cecil but we called him CJ. Facebook deactivated his account, when, I don't know but I just found out an hour ago. He's now just "Facebook User" in my inbox and I can't even send him messages anymore. I haven't thought of contacting him in a long time but now that I can't, I want to, even knowing there will never be a response. I was browsing through my Facebook memories when I noticed that his responses to a status were deleted. I rushed to my inbox to look for his messages but they weren't there. I thought I was done mourning him, didn't think I had anything else to loose, boy was I wrong. I loved him but I didn't realise how much until after he was gone. The thing about him was that he was nothing like what I wanted, so it was easy to bury my head in the sand and repress my feelings. Plus, he was an alcoholic, I've lived that disaster growing up, I wasn't going to marr...