Unfiltered Thoughts

An old ex friend of mine is, I gather, going through a difficult time, she's hurting. I was wondering if I should reach out to her and offer a shoulder to cry on. I'm not looking to swoop in to save her, from what I remember, she's just needed someone to hold space for her to be. I'd learned to be that for her. Right now, I think, there's no one. Maybe, or maybe I am. I've learned to make it my job to step in and make things okay. Never mind me, what do you need? I've abandoned, I continue to betray myself  to "rescue'' others. It's the trend, I see a need, I step in. It's exhausting and I'm only just beginning to face up to this fact in therapy. If I don't "help", if I put myself first and make the necessary changes, will these people, still love me?   You see, she hurt me deeply, two years ago and didn't bother to apologize or even acknowledge the incident. When I've run into her because of a mutual friend, we...

He put his hand in mine It was cute First date, progress I'm over it first dates, cute things Can we move past the talking stage I want to find home I'm the girl who writes love poems sad poems Dear boy, please love me Dear boy, fuck you! Mommy please love me, daddy please love me Love poems, sad poems Somebody, please love me Love  me I love me Boy, mommy, daddy Do you hear me? I said I love me I AM HOME x

This week I ran into a girl, no, a woman, I haven't seen in 4 or 5 years and it was love at first sight all over again. As I sat across from and stared at her I remembered why I was so infatuated with her, why I've always been madly in love her. I haven't thought about her since we lost touch but in the name of all things holy, it was like we never parted. The instant connection of our souls was magical. She's always been my best friend and I, her number one fan. She's still beautiful, even more so now. Lol, she actually wears clothes that fit now. She's always been intelligent, I loved hearing her thoughts, the space between her ears is where I made my home years ago. And she's grown! She's so mature now, a lot  more worldly wise than I ever thought her capable. A bit cynical but ever the hopeful dreamer. My favourite thing about her has always been her capacity to empathize, now she's even more compassionate. My God, has it made her th...

I won't do the dishes, I'll leave them in the sink for 2 days. You'll get sick of them and do them yourself. I won't pick up after myself and I only do the laundry when I have nothing else to wear.  I do not cook. I'll grab an apple and make a pot of tea if I'm hungry, you cook. She cooks and cleans and makes the bed every morning. You should marry her instead, she makes a better wife. I'm anti social, temperamental and sometimes just bitchy. Your friends will love me but I'll be in the bedroom when they come to visit. She's social and a very good host. She's the better choice. I'll frustrate and irritate you needlessly, I'll work on your nerves and I won't even know it. I'll be sorry for a little while then I'll forget. I'm self absorbed and very selfish. I'll think about me before you. I won't pause the movie when you use the loo and I'll continue to watch the series without you when you're at w...

 I spent last week reconciling myself to the fact that I'm the bitch who broke his heart and he's the one I let get away. It was hard to come to terms with but I had to face facts, I still love him, deeply and truly. I shared this revelation with some of my friends and they said they knew. I spend this week wrestling with the fact that I want him, badly.  I can't have him, he's with someone he loves deeply and he appears to be content. I would never do anything to jeopardise his happiness, I hurt him once, I'd never deliberately do anything to hurt him again. I'm steering well clear of him. He is everything I pictured I wanted growing up. He was the embodiment of my day dreams and fantasies. By the second date, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry, he's the only man I've ever thought of marrying.  I thought that man did not exist.  He was and is not perfect, but I believe he was perfect for me. The stuff that annoyed me about him, I merely shrugge...

My online dating experience started a couple of months ago when my Aunt Carol and I created accounts on an interracial dating site and Okcupid. She's had a strapping Englishman fly from Gatwick to Harare to see her after one week of voice calls and texting on WhatsApp, a Indian tycoon offer her a vacation in Bali and five marriage proposals that I know of; but who's counting? I haven't had quite the same success, it has been an interesting experience, from chatting to hot men across the Atlantic to receiving my first d*ck pic last night. Here are my top four  memorable dates. 1. He brought a friend along on the date When he picked me up for the date, his friend was sitting shotgun. We were supposed to get ice cream but we ended up at Pepata, where we found three of his other friends and halfway through the night, he called and invited two more colleagues. I had a fun night, the food was great, the company splendid. Pity, we didn't exchange more then five word...

 "I was young and stupid." That was the response he gave me as to why he raped my friend back in uni. I can't help but wonder how he thinks that response would suffice or appease. I don't know what or how to respond to his pleas for absolution when the last time I saw him, I was with her and all he said to her was "It didn't end well with us".  I'm not the one he should be even talking to about this. I officially met him three years ago, I thought he was smooth, had swag and hot as a tamalie! It turns out he's had his eye on me for years but I was in a relationship so I shut that down. Fast forward to last month I run into him at Chopsi's and he was all up in my space, insisted on my number. This time I was single, so I thought why not, he's still got it. When he walked away one of my girls tell me he raped her in her first year. I was shook. I ignored his call when he called three days later and then he calls me again last night, thi...

It's over, done, gone. Whatever the relationship was, he ended it. It's dead and buried. We are getting ahead of ourselves, nothing is dead or buried in the first week after a breakup. Here are my emotions: Obviously I'm not the one that ended things 1 . Shock and Disbelief  The first thing that comes to mind is that it can't be true. I don't understand, what do you mean we are broken up? There's a literal pit in my stomach, it's not possible. No, I don't want to be broken up. Yes, I saw the signs, I'm not stupid, just in denial.  I'm not signing off on this, we are not broken up. 2. Confusion When I sort off, kind off, faced the music, that yes, he did in fact end things; I'm left with in a state of pandemonium. I can't make out whether I am crying or laughing, where did he end and where did I begin? We had morphed into an us where I lost myself. My feelings are all jumbled up because I feel like my heart's been carve...

It's the end of September and I've been on more dates in the past five months than I've been on my entire life.When I first embarked on this dating journey, it wasn't a search for love, I just needed a little male attention. Here's my working knowledge, subject to change and updating: 1. Everyone has something to offer I was so into my type of guy I never gave anyone else who didn't fit the mold a second look. There's more to people then just the stereotypical type box we think they are. You'll be surprised to find that the skater boy is a hardcore humanist as well and I've found that animé can just be a riveting topic for discussion as Dostoyevsky, it sounds like blasphemy but I swear it's not. Expand your horizons, give them a shot, you'll maybe not regret it. 2. Being good looking helps I met the majority of my dates online, because I'm still working on my pick up lines to use at bars. The last dating site I joined, I liter...

It's official I've left my beloved position of singledom. I met someone I like more than being single, feels strange. I can't remember what it felt like with my ex during the first week of that relationship because I was too high on endorphins. And infatuated people make the worst journal entries, short, incoherent and sporadic. With nothing to compare this past week to, this is what the first week of my new relationship feels like. 1. Torture It's pure unadulterated torture. How is it possible to miss someone you just kissed goodbye 60 seconds ago? I just saw him! Why the hell am I missing him all the damn time? There's a pit in my stomach and it only goes away when he's around.  Bae is like crack, I'm craving a fix. 2.  Exciting The anticipation of knowing that I'll be seeing him has me bouncing my knee nervously the whole damn day, clock watching, counting the hours. Current situation: ETA 7 hours  40 minutes. I can't wait! ...

 I've spent my whole life trying to live up to the ideal of special, extraordinary. It is all I've ever known; I saw it in the protagonist of the books I have been reading since I discovered the library; these amazing men and women who were instantly recognized as something more by just being themselves.  It came from my teachers and peers who treated me like something more because I got the highest grades in my class "She will do great things." They said.  My pastors/spiritual leaders said I had a gift. I was a natural born leader. God created only one of me and there was a destiny only I could fulfil. It didn't hurt that I was pretty good at everything I tried. I got the complex from being the only girl growing up among boys and my parents' favourite child.  Everyone told me I was something and I believed them. That is until I hit my early twenties; I stopped doing all those things that people said made me special, I quit school, social circles, stopp...

Can men and women just be friends? That is an apparently hard question to answer. Can two single, relatively attractive people of the opposite sex just be friends and nothing more? The answer to this question from my personal experience is I don't know, maybe?  Word of caution, if you're interested in dating one of the two friends, look closely, very closely. Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point. Once upon a time on a university campus in Windhoek there was a girl who met a guy. The girl and guy somehow became friends, the girl doesn't remember how. They were both involved in campus ministry, they saw each other most days of the week and they both went to the same non-denominational bible study in the park on Saturdays. They called and texted each other all the time, the girl liked they guy very much and suspected that the guy liked her too. However they guy never made a move and soon the girl grew disillusioned, maybe the guy didn't like her like that...

Last week when a senior colleague asked me when I'm going to get married and have kids, I said something that made me take pause. I said I can't even imagine having kids when I still feel like a kid myself. PAUSE, I'm in my late twenties, why do I still feel like a kid?  I did what every millennial would, I googled it... Apparently, it's a  thing. For some people, it's  psychological thing, adults with careers, kids, houses and spouses who feel like they are playing house and not grown up enough for these responsibilities. For others, they are literal children in adults bodies with mum and dad taking care of them. Apparently there's a generation (or a portion thereof) that refuses to grow up, no  mortgage, no marriage, no children and definitely no career plan. Crazy right? I feel like a kid playing grown up, the only thing I've checked off on the grown up list is a career, no mortgage, spouse or kids. This is such a first world problem though. Why ...

I was sitting at Kramer’s last night with my Aunt Caroline disapprovingly watching her eat her waffles and a scoop of rum and raisin flavoured ice cream.  One, she has the flu and two; it is the middle of winter! I was having the reasonable thing, having hot chocolate. As we discussed her match on mingle2, it hit me; I’ve never met anyone as deliriously beautiful as she is.  She has stars in her eyes when she talks about her “future husband”; listening to her talk you’d think she’s never been hurt in love. The pure unadulterated optimism for life and the joy in her voice is intoxicating.  I want to be as young and free as the woman sitting across from me; twenty years my senior and divorced. Her ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic and the divorce was messy, after 9 years of marriage, she walked away. In contrast I’ve been single for a full year since the end of May, after a 2 year relationship and I’ve got three years of unrequited love under my belt. I’ve been c...