Unfiltered Thoughts

An old ex friend of mine is, I gather, going through a difficult time, she's hurting. I was wondering if I should reach out to her and offer a shoulder to cry on. I'm not looking to swoop in to save her, from what I remember, she's just needed someone to hold space for her to be. I'd learned to be that for her. Right now, I think, there's no one. Maybe, or maybe I am. I've learned to make it my job to step in and make things okay. Never mind me, what do you need? I've abandoned, I continue to betray myself  to "rescue'' others. It's the trend, I see a need, I step in. It's exhausting and I'm only just beginning to face up to this fact in therapy. If I don't "help", if I put myself first and make the necessary changes, will these people, still love me?   You see, she hurt me deeply, two years ago and didn't bother to apologize or even acknowledge the incident. When I've run into her because of a mutual friend, we...

A not so long time ago there lived a beautiful, intelligent, black woman in the same city as I.   I was introduced to this gorgeous woman and like the idiot that I am I pushed her away.  I was a fool. I told myself, I wasn't ready to risk  my heart again, I wasn't there yet. I pushed her away because I didn't want a relationship, told her I am not looking for love. The truth is I saw her and she was beautiful, she was. I thought, no way I am worthy of such a goddess. So I pushed her away. I wish I had done things differently. Granted, I wasn't in a good space and I would've done more damage, I really wish I was more self aware so I could've explained things better. If I had a chance to tell her how I felt, how I feel now I'd say 1. I'm sorry. I was a complete and utter arse! I wish I'd called you back and responded to your texts.  I am so sorry. 2. NOT an excuse, but I really wasn't looking for a relationship. You were way too real for me, way to...

Can you see me or are you too wrapped up in your head? Can you hear me? You like the sound of your voice, a bit too much, I think. Are you blind?  Or maybe you just don't give a shit? I'm right here, in front of you. Why can't you see me? Why does talking to you feel like shouting into the void? You're so frustrating! I'm not my disease, it's a part of who I am  but for fuck's sake, there's a  lot more to me that just this fucking mental illness! Why can't you see that? As a whole, I'm more than just the fucking sum of my parts! You don't label cancer patients cancerous, why do you define me by my depression?  I am a work of art, a fucking masterpiece, why can't you see that? I wish you'd take off those rose tinted glasses and take a fucking good look at me. I'm not your ex, she left, I'm here. Why can't you see that I AM HERE. She's gone, let her go! You make such a big deal about how I can't trust you, how ...

I knew love once, but he left, some 7 years ago. His name was Cecil but we called him CJ. Facebook deactivated his account, when, I don't know but I just found out an hour ago. He's now just "Facebook User" in my inbox and I can't even send him messages anymore. I haven't thought of contacting him in a long time but now that I can't, I want to, even knowing there will never be a response. I was browsing through my Facebook memories when I noticed that his responses to a status were deleted. I rushed to my inbox to look for his messages but they weren't there. I thought I was done mourning him, didn't think I had anything else to loose, boy was I wrong. I loved him but I didn't realise how much until after he was gone. The thing about him was that he was nothing like what I wanted, so it was easy to bury my head in the sand and repress my feelings. Plus, he was an alcoholic, I've lived that disaster growing up, I wasn't going to marr...

This week I ran into a girl, no, a woman, I haven't seen in 4 or 5 years and it was love at first sight all over again. As I sat across from and stared at her I remembered why I was so infatuated with her, why I've always been madly in love her. I haven't thought about her since we lost touch but in the name of all things holy, it was like we never parted. The instant connection of our souls was magical. She's always been my best friend and I, her number one fan. She's still beautiful, even more so now. Lol, she actually wears clothes that fit now. She's always been intelligent, I loved hearing her thoughts, the space between her ears is where I made my home years ago. And she's grown! She's so mature now, a lot  more worldly wise than I ever thought her capable. A bit cynical but ever the hopeful dreamer. My favourite thing about her has always been her capacity to empathize, now she's even more compassionate. My God, has it made her th...

 I spent last week reconciling myself to the fact that I'm the bitch who broke his heart and he's the one I let get away. It was hard to come to terms with but I had to face facts, I still love him, deeply and truly. I shared this revelation with some of my friends and they said they knew. I spend this week wrestling with the fact that I want him, badly.  I can't have him, he's with someone he loves deeply and he appears to be content. I would never do anything to jeopardise his happiness, I hurt him once, I'd never deliberately do anything to hurt him again. I'm steering well clear of him. He is everything I pictured I wanted growing up. He was the embodiment of my day dreams and fantasies. By the second date, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry, he's the only man I've ever thought of marrying.  I thought that man did not exist.  He was and is not perfect, but I believe he was perfect for me. The stuff that annoyed me about him, I merely shrugge...

It's over, done, gone. Whatever the relationship was, he ended it. It's dead and buried. We are getting ahead of ourselves, nothing is dead or buried in the first week after a breakup. Here are my emotions: Obviously I'm not the one that ended things 1 . Shock and Disbelief  The first thing that comes to mind is that it can't be true. I don't understand, what do you mean we are broken up? There's a literal pit in my stomach, it's not possible. No, I don't want to be broken up. Yes, I saw the signs, I'm not stupid, just in denial.  I'm not signing off on this, we are not broken up. 2. Confusion When I sort off, kind off, faced the music, that yes, he did in fact end things; I'm left with in a state of pandemonium. I can't make out whether I am crying or laughing, where did he end and where did I begin? We had morphed into an us where I lost myself. My feelings are all jumbled up because I feel like my heart's been carve...