Unfiltered Thoughts

An old ex friend of mine is, I gather, going through a difficult time, she's hurting. I was wondering if I should reach out to her and offer a shoulder to cry on. I'm not looking to swoop in to save her, from what I remember, she's just needed someone to hold space for her to be. I'd learned to be that for her. Right now, I think, there's no one. Maybe, or maybe I am. I've learned to make it my job to step in and make things okay. Never mind me, what do you need? I've abandoned, I continue to betray myself  to "rescue'' others. It's the trend, I see a need, I step in. It's exhausting and I'm only just beginning to face up to this fact in therapy. If I don't "help", if I put myself first and make the necessary changes, will these people, still love me?   You see, she hurt me deeply, two years ago and didn't bother to apologize or even acknowledge the incident. When I've run into her because of a mutual friend, we...

A not so long time ago there lived a beautiful, intelligent, black woman in the same city as I.   I was introduced to this gorgeous woman and like the idiot that I am I pushed her away.  I was a fool. I told myself, I wasn't ready to risk  my heart again, I wasn't there yet. I pushed her away because I didn't want a relationship, told her I am not looking for love. The truth is I saw her and she was beautiful, she was. I thought, no way I am worthy of such a goddess. So I pushed her away. I wish I had done things differently. Granted, I wasn't in a good space and I would've done more damage, I really wish I was more self aware so I could've explained things better. If I had a chance to tell her how I felt, how I feel now I'd say 1. I'm sorry. I was a complete and utter arse! I wish I'd called you back and responded to your texts.  I am so sorry. 2. NOT an excuse, but I really wasn't looking for a relationship. You were way too real for me, way to...

Human relations are messy AF! It's volatile feelings and filtered intentions, it's seeing the past in the present, projecting and it's trying being present in the here and now. So here's the thing I believe about relating, you need to have some kind of chemistry to connect. There must be some base level of attraction, something must draw you to the person. I can tell you why I love each and every one of my friends, every single one. We have a spark, a connection.  Some of my friends are male and some of these male friends have girlfriends, and apparently there in lies the problem. The last time I had to deal with my guy friend's girlfriend's drama, I was ready to walk away, but he wisely told me that if i'm going to make her insecurities mine, that's on me, he hasn't taken them on, it's up to me what I do with it. He set clear boundaries and made very clear the roles we both play in his life. He married her, and I was his witness when we wen...

Buy me a rose. Every time you reappear, if you didn't say a word when you left, you won't need to say a word when you come back, just buy me a rose, a blood red rose.  Buy me a white rose every time you need to leave, I'll give you the time you need and when you are ready to come back to me, a simple "hello" with a yellow rose will do.

I spent this morning thinking about all the people I can't seem to let go of. The ones I need to cut off, people I no longer speak to on a regular basis but am still hung up on and that one guy I've reconciled that I'll always love. My soul is like a graveyard of dead relationships, people long gone. I spent the better part of this evening looking a pictures of an almost love, figured it's time to burn this bridge but I can't, I feel physically ill now. I'm nauseous, my chest hurts, I can't seem to let go off the skeletons of what could've been. I keep thinking, I don't want it, not in this form, certainly not any time soon, still I'm incapable of thoughts of closure.  The Script's good in goodbye  reduces me to tears every single time I get in my feelings.  No matter how it falls apart There's an "art" in breaking hearts But there's no fair in farewell I haven't learned how to let go yet, so I'm goin...

Not so long ago I was told in not so many words that my blog is a cheap knock-off of western bloggers and I shouldn’t call it afroblogging by an African photojournalist. It doesn’t deal with socio-geo-political or environmental issues regarding Africa, therefore it should it not be called afroblogging but blogging by an African. And I understood where he was coming from. I mean I’m not an activist by any definition of the word. It has nothing to do with Afrofuturism, nor “African” fashion, culture or cuisine. The thing about twitter discussions is that they can go south very quickly, so I deflected by joking about feeling like I’ve been scolded and moved on. But that conversation has stayed with me and it’s been bothering me more and more. My question is what is the “ African narrative ”? A quick google search reveals that there is consensus that the narrative needs to change, we need to tell our own stories. The version of Africa the western media is portraying is poor, outdated and...

My online dating experience started a couple of months ago when my Aunt Carol and I created accounts on an interracial dating site and Okcupid. She's had a strapping Englishman fly from Gatwick to Harare to see her after one week of voice calls and texting on WhatsApp, a Indian tycoon offer her a vacation in Bali and five marriage proposals that I know of; but who's counting? I haven't had quite the same success, it has been an interesting experience, from chatting to hot men across the Atlantic to receiving my first d*ck pic last night. Here are my top four  memorable dates. 1. He brought a friend along on the date When he picked me up for the date, his friend was sitting shotgun. We were supposed to get ice cream but we ended up at Pepata, where we found three of his other friends and halfway through the night, he called and invited two more colleagues. I had a fun night, the food was great, the company splendid. Pity, we didn't exchange more then five word...

 I've spent my whole life trying to live up to the ideal of special, extraordinary. It is all I've ever known; I saw it in the protagonist of the books I have been reading since I discovered the library; these amazing men and women who were instantly recognized as something more by just being themselves.  It came from my teachers and peers who treated me like something more because I got the highest grades in my class "She will do great things." They said.  My pastors/spiritual leaders said I had a gift. I was a natural born leader. God created only one of me and there was a destiny only I could fulfil. It didn't hurt that I was pretty good at everything I tried. I got the complex from being the only girl growing up among boys and my parents' favourite child.  Everyone told me I was something and I believed them. That is until I hit my early twenties; I stopped doing all those things that people said made me special, I quit school, social circles, stopp...

Urban Dictionary Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups. I know it's part of the millennial trademark to complain about adulting and pat ourselves on the back when we do everyday tasks needed for survival like cooking a meal, doing laundry but we are really doing ourselves a disservice when we put up such posts on social media. Your biggest achievement to date is not doing your laundry, you are a highly competent legal researcher for Parliament;hashtag the career advancing moves instead. It's ironic how un-ironically we ironically use the term adulting. Being an adult is hard, learning to handle the challenges that come with this stage in our lives may take a few tries and plenty perseverance;however we are doing it and doing it fairly well. Even when we don't feel like #ADULTING we do, we get up and show up. You're an adult, it's ...

Can men and women just be friends? That is an apparently hard question to answer. Can two single, relatively attractive people of the opposite sex just be friends and nothing more? The answer to this question from my personal experience is I don't know, maybe?  Word of caution, if you're interested in dating one of the two friends, look closely, very closely. Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point. Once upon a time on a university campus in Windhoek there was a girl who met a guy. The girl and guy somehow became friends, the girl doesn't remember how. They were both involved in campus ministry, they saw each other most days of the week and they both went to the same non-denominational bible study in the park on Saturdays. They called and texted each other all the time, the girl liked they guy very much and suspected that the guy liked her too. However they guy never made a move and soon the girl grew disillusioned, maybe the guy didn't like her like that...

Last week when a senior colleague asked me when I'm going to get married and have kids, I said something that made me take pause. I said I can't even imagine having kids when I still feel like a kid myself. PAUSE, I'm in my late twenties, why do I still feel like a kid?  I did what every millennial would, I googled it... Apparently, it's a  thing. For some people, it's  psychological thing, adults with careers, kids, houses and spouses who feel like they are playing house and not grown up enough for these responsibilities. For others, they are literal children in adults bodies with mum and dad taking care of them. Apparently there's a generation (or a portion thereof) that refuses to grow up, no  mortgage, no marriage, no children and definitely no career plan. Crazy right? I feel like a kid playing grown up, the only thing I've checked off on the grown up list is a career, no mortgage, spouse or kids. This is such a first world problem though. Why ...