Unfiltered Thoughts

Hey You How are you doing? Hope you're better than I am today. I'm feeling like the weather, gloomy. The words I am about to write to you should probably be only uttered in my shrink's office but that appointment is in two weeks and I am impatient. So bare with me, this is more therapeutic than anything. Also, I hope you never read this, really. I'm going to pretend you won't and pour my heart out; you probably wont, please don't. So the first time I heard about you, I was deeply hurt, I didn't know your name or what kind of woman you were. All I knew is my ex, your boyfriend, moved on pretty quickly from me. I know I had no right, seeing as I left him but it hurt like a bitch. You see, I was still as in love with him as the day I met him, he was still my sun, moon and stars. I hoped you were temporary, a rebound but you turned out to be much much more. I'd chosen to put both of you on the back burner till I graduated because thinking of you lead ...

 I spent last week reconciling myself to the fact that I'm the bitch who broke his heart and he's the one I let get away. It was hard to come to terms with but I had to face facts, I still love him, deeply and truly. I shared this revelation with some of my friends and they said they knew. I spend this week wrestling with the fact that I want him, badly.  I can't have him, he's with someone he loves deeply and he appears to be content. I would never do anything to jeopardise his happiness, I hurt him once, I'd never deliberately do anything to hurt him again. I'm steering well clear of him. He is everything I pictured I wanted growing up. He was the embodiment of my day dreams and fantasies. By the second date, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry, he's the only man I've ever thought of marrying.  I thought that man did not exist.  He was and is not perfect, but I believe he was perfect for me. The stuff that annoyed me about him, I merely shrugge...

It's over, done, gone. Whatever the relationship was, he ended it. It's dead and buried. We are getting ahead of ourselves, nothing is dead or buried in the first week after a breakup. Here are my emotions: Obviously I'm not the one that ended things 1 . Shock and Disbelief  The first thing that comes to mind is that it can't be true. I don't understand, what do you mean we are broken up? There's a literal pit in my stomach, it's not possible. No, I don't want to be broken up. Yes, I saw the signs, I'm not stupid, just in denial.  I'm not signing off on this, we are not broken up. 2. Confusion When I sort off, kind off, faced the music, that yes, he did in fact end things; I'm left with in a state of pandemonium. I can't make out whether I am crying or laughing, where did he end and where did I begin? We had morphed into an us where I lost myself. My feelings are all jumbled up because I feel like my heart's been carve...