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What I'd tell her, if she'd let me

A not so long time ago there lived a beautiful, intelligent, black woman in the same city as I.  I was introduced to this gorgeous woman and like the idiot that I am I pushed her away.
 I was a fool. I told myself, I wasn't ready to risk my heart again, I wasn't there yet. I pushed her away because I didn't want a relationship, told her I am not looking for love. The truth is I saw her and she was beautiful, she was. I thought, no way I am worthy of such a goddess. So I pushed her away. I wish I had done things differently. Granted, I wasn't in a good space and I would've done more damage, I really wish I was more self aware so I could've explained things better.

If I had a chance to tell her how I felt, how I feel now I'd say

1. I'm sorry. I was a complete and utter arse! I wish I'd called you back and responded to your texts.  I am so sorry.
2. NOT an excuse, but I really wasn't looking for a relationship. You were way too real for me, way to beautiful, honest and present. I couldn't  handle that because there were things I hadn't dealt with first. If I could get a do over, I'd tell you why I wasn't ready for a relationship and not merely shut you out.
3. I didn't feel worthy of you. What are the odds of a woman like you, looking my way? Wanting me? I wasn't ready to step up and confront my shit, so i pushed you away
4. I think about you, sometimes. I pray for you. I hope, you're happy and loved
5. Thank you. 



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