Unfiltered Thoughts

Can you see me or are you too wrapped up in your head? Can you hear me? You like the sound of your voice, a bit too much, I think. Are you blind?  Or maybe you just don't give a shit? I'm right here, in front of you. Why can't you see me? Why does talking to you feel like shouting into the void? You're so frustrating! I'm not my disease, it's a part of who I am  but for fuck's sake, there's a  lot more to me that just this fucking mental illness! Why can't you see that? As a whole, I'm more than just the fucking sum of my parts! You don't label cancer patients cancerous, why do you define me by my depression?  I am a work of art, a fucking masterpiece, why can't you see that? I wish you'd take off those rose tinted glasses and take a fucking good look at me. I'm not your ex, she left, I'm here. Why can't you see that I AM HERE. She's gone, let her go! You make such a big deal about how I can't trust you, how ...

The last time I wanted to kiss someone was this second, I'm dying to feel your lips on mine. True Story.  The second last time I wanted to kiss a guy, was three weeks ago. I was on holiday in Durban. His name is Jordan, we were staying at the same B&B. His room was right  across mine. I spent the day with him, his stepsister and her friends lounging by the pool. He had gone with me to a salsa social   earlier that night and to his credit, he danced very well. Albeit it was not salsa, we danced. He twisted and turned me across the dance floor half the night and the other half he listened to me talk for hours. I talked, a lot, I talk a lot. It's 2 am, we are saying good night,  standing outside my door and he leans in. I'm thinking it's a hug, so I go in for a hug. At the very last second I realize he was going to kiss me. He's 18, a whole decade younger than me, I swear I didn't think he wanted to kiss me! Regardless of what my friend Dante kept urging...

I met a Soul full Miss this December. She's pretty, sweet as icing sugar and very intelligent.  She felt like the stranger whose soul I knew before creation. Talking to her was like looking at my reflection in the mirror, my memory of the image is not the same as what I see reflected, different but the same. The conversation never stopped, there was not a moment that was not filled with substance. The walk up and down Virginia Beach lasted 3 hours. She could have finished my sentences but she let me complete them. She's a wordsmith you see , she understands the value of words and expertessing yourself, the validation in being heard.  I found myself in the words she said, like I see myself in her poetry sometimes. Very few people understand me, she saw me. She's a kindred spirit, so completely different and yet absolutely the  same.  Her warmth and joy, the love she gives and her strength. These are the things I admire most about this soulful Miss I met...

There's 30 minutes left the first day of this challenge. The challenge is to write a post every day for the month of September. I'm not ready. I am afraid I will fail to post everyday, but here I am. I will do my very best and I will succeed. Stories from home, that's what we are going with. I've developed an insecurity about not being African enough in my blogging. My all time favorite writers are European, what do I know about African literature? How dare I even think about writing African stories? When you have been accused of "coconut", oreo or not black enough most of your life, it gets to you. I didn't realize how much till I stumbled upon the afroblogging community. The more I realized African bloggers/writers are nothing like that "African narrative" we need to change, they are normal every day folks with thoughts and words not too far removed from my own, the more I see that someone lied to me along the way . I did not realize how...

So I'm checking my outfit in the mirror on my way out and I think to myself "I'm too hot to be ghosted". And I really am! Hot, that is.  I'm funny, intelligent, independent, charming, witty, compassionate, really overall just a fucking stellar person. My mother will testify to my awesomeness and it's no secret that I am my father's favourite. I mean, I know I'm also lazy, don't do housework or make my bed, pretty much fucked up most of my friendships due to this thing called clinical depression and I can also be a bitch. But I swear the good far outweighs the bad. And I am super aware of my faults and actively working on my childhood trauma. I apologize when I'm wrong and I'm in therapy! Who wouldn't want to date me? If I could, I would marry me, I'm a real catch. So you can imagine it only took my empowered feminist self a full month to finally gather the courage to tell the male friend I've been crushing on all damn...

I really like like you  I like your face The way it lights up when you smile I like your facial expressions and how easily I can read them How we don't always need words to communicate I like the way you talk And the things you say I like hearing your thoughts Your view on this patriarchal society, feminism, race and religion I like the lazy weekends spent on the couch vegetating in front of the telly I don't even like television I like watching it with you. I like like how self aware you are And the fact that you're actively working on your childhood  trauma And becoming the best version YOU choose to be You're aware of your and have reconciled yourself to your biases And act accordingly Like how we both think most white people are racists but still give them a chance to prove us wrong, we are barely, wrong. I like the way you care for your sister Makes me wish I had a big brother, one just like you I like like you so muc...

The God Lord knows it was a very trying June, it has sucked the writing juice out of me. It's not writer's block, simply the lack of a desire to write. Ironically, June's the month with the most posts on my blog. I haven't shared all of them, but they're here for your viewing pleasure. Shout out to Tau of   Tau Kelvin Writes  for getting the gears rolling for this post.  Read, comment, subscribe to his blog. The man has big dreams, it will be a ride watching him make them happen. Last week, I asked my next door neighbour "Zach" to take me out on a date, he didn't. After what I'd describe as a scolding, he said he would, he hasn't. I saw him for the first time since Sunday, yesterday. He has heading in to his place and I was coming from a  grocery shopping trip, finally bought food, adulting is hard. He smiled wide, asked about my trip and went inside. I felt warm and fuzzy for about two seconds but I was running late for work, I had less...