Unfiltered Thoughts

 I spent last week reconciling myself to the fact that I'm the bitch who broke his heart and he's the one I let get away. It was hard to come to terms with but I had to face facts, I still love him, deeply and truly. I shared this revelation with some of my friends and they said they knew. I spend this week wrestling with the fact that I want him, badly.  I can't have him, he's with someone he loves deeply and he appears to be content. I would never do anything to jeopardise his happiness, I hurt him once, I'd never deliberately do anything to hurt him again. I'm steering well clear of him. He is everything I pictured I wanted growing up. He was the embodiment of my day dreams and fantasies. By the second date, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry, he's the only man I've ever thought of marrying.  I thought that man did not exist.  He was and is not perfect, but I believe he was perfect for me. The stuff that annoyed me about him, I merely shrugge...

I'm not very proud of the fact that I didn't vote in the last election  but if I had to redo it again, I'd still not vote. The question wasn't who was going to win but by what majority percentage SWAPO was going to win by.  I rationalised, one vote didn't matter. A contradiction to the motto I spew when I try to make a difference in the world, especially when it's microscopic; "every rain drop raises the sea"  is what I always say. Clearly my vote counts, every vote counts but does it matter? I was born after independence, born free. I hereby claim the status of ignorance, ingratitude and willfulness that the older generation attribute to my generation. For all intent and purposes, this will be my justification for anything stupid I may say. If we are being realistic, the next SWAPO President will become the Head of State, so let's not pretend that the internal ongoings of SWAPO does not directly affect us. I'm not even going to tell yo...

My online dating experience started a couple of months ago when my Aunt Carol and I created accounts on an interracial dating site and Okcupid. She's had a strapping Englishman fly from Gatwick to Harare to see her after one week of voice calls and texting on WhatsApp, a Indian tycoon offer her a vacation in Bali and five marriage proposals that I know of; but who's counting? I haven't had quite the same success, it has been an interesting experience, from chatting to hot men across the Atlantic to receiving my first d*ck pic last night. Here are my top four  memorable dates. 1. He brought a friend along on the date When he picked me up for the date, his friend was sitting shotgun. We were supposed to get ice cream but we ended up at Pepata, where we found three of his other friends and halfway through the night, he called and invited two more colleagues. I had a fun night, the food was great, the company splendid. Pity, we didn't exchange more then five word...

 "I was young and stupid." That was the response he gave me as to why he raped my friend back in uni. I can't help but wonder how he thinks that response would suffice or appease. I don't know what or how to respond to his pleas for absolution when the last time I saw him, I was with her and all he said to her was "It didn't end well with us".  I'm not the one he should be even talking to about this. I officially met him three years ago, I thought he was smooth, had swag and hot as a tamalie! It turns out he's had his eye on me for years but I was in a relationship so I shut that down. Fast forward to last month I run into him at Chopsi's and he was all up in my space, insisted on my number. This time I was single, so I thought why not, he's still got it. When he walked away one of my girls tell me he raped her in her first year. I was shook. I ignored his call when he called three days later and then he calls me again last night, thi...

It's over, done, gone. Whatever the relationship was, he ended it. It's dead and buried. We are getting ahead of ourselves, nothing is dead or buried in the first week after a breakup. Here are my emotions: Obviously I'm not the one that ended things 1 . Shock and Disbelief  The first thing that comes to mind is that it can't be true. I don't understand, what do you mean we are broken up? There's a literal pit in my stomach, it's not possible. No, I don't want to be broken up. Yes, I saw the signs, I'm not stupid, just in denial.  I'm not signing off on this, we are not broken up. 2. Confusion When I sort off, kind off, faced the music, that yes, he did in fact end things; I'm left with in a state of pandemonium. I can't make out whether I am crying or laughing, where did he end and where did I begin? We had morphed into an us where I lost myself. My feelings are all jumbled up because I feel like my heart's been carve...

It's the end of September and I've been on more dates in the past five months than I've been on my entire life.When I first embarked on this dating journey, it wasn't a search for love, I just needed a little male attention. Here's my working knowledge, subject to change and updating: 1. Everyone has something to offer I was so into my type of guy I never gave anyone else who didn't fit the mold a second look. There's more to people then just the stereotypical type box we think they are. You'll be surprised to find that the skater boy is a hardcore humanist as well and I've found that animé can just be a riveting topic for discussion as Dostoyevsky, it sounds like blasphemy but I swear it's not. Expand your horizons, give them a shot, you'll maybe not regret it. 2. Being good looking helps I met the majority of my dates online, because I'm still working on my pick up lines to use at bars. The last dating site I joined, I liter...

It's official I've left my beloved position of singledom. I met someone I like more than being single, feels strange. I can't remember what it felt like with my ex during the first week of that relationship because I was too high on endorphins. And infatuated people make the worst journal entries, short, incoherent and sporadic. With nothing to compare this past week to, this is what the first week of my new relationship feels like. 1. Torture It's pure unadulterated torture. How is it possible to miss someone you just kissed goodbye 60 seconds ago? I just saw him! Why the hell am I missing him all the damn time? There's a pit in my stomach and it only goes away when he's around.  Bae is like crack, I'm craving a fix. 2.  Exciting The anticipation of knowing that I'll be seeing him has me bouncing my knee nervously the whole damn day, clock watching, counting the hours. Current situation: ETA 7 hours  40 minutes. I can't wait! ...