Fear of intimacy or what's really wrong with me or why you shouldn't be in love with me

I spent this morning thinking about all the people I can't seem to let go of. The ones I need to cut off, people I no longer speak to on a regular basis but am still hung up on and that one guy I've reconciled that I'll always love. My soul is like a graveyard of dead relationships, people long gone.

I spent the better part of this evening looking a pictures of an almost love, figured it's time to burn this bridge but I can't, I feel physically ill now. I'm nauseous, my chest hurts, I can't seem to let go off the skeletons of what could've been. I keep thinking, I don't want it, not in this form, certainly not any time soon, still I'm incapable of thoughts of closure. 


The Script's good in goodbye reduces me to tears every single time I get in my feelings. 

No matter how it falls apart

There's an "art" in breaking hearts

But there's no fair in farewell

I haven't learned how to let go yet, so I'm going to leave these ghosts in a corner and i'm to focus on the people in my life, my loved ones.

Every time I meet someone new, someone who draws me in, someone I'd like to get to know better, someone I foresee I'm going to be around for  a long time, I ask such a person to take an attachment style test. I cross my fingers and hope for secure attachment, so far I've been lucky.

My attachment style is dismissive avoidant, which means that I place great importance on being independent. I feel very uncomfortable depending on someone, or being depended on by others. When presented with opportunities for closeness, I pull away. I will most definitely not seek out relationships, it is safer by myself. I don't know how to receive love, every time I get too close, I run away.  I am incredibly selfish and self absorbed.  

It's a herculean task allowing people close me, I'm neurologically wired to be alone, to push people away.  I've been a terrible friend and sister, closed off, distant. I have incredibly understanding, loving, forgiving, amazing loved ones.  

I'm not sure how or why you're still with me, why you still love me but I'm grateful. I'm incredibly grateful. I really do thank God every time I think of you, I'm so fortunate, my heart's overflowing and yet I don't know how to let you know. 

This is me saying thank you for sticking around, I'm sorry I've been so cold. I'm going to try and do better, I'm honestly working on being more active  and around.  Please continue to bear with me.


To develop  healthy attachment, I must make sense of and feel the full pain of my past. I'd rather walk on broken glass.  Apparently I must develop a coherent narrative. "If we can face our history and make sense of our narrative, we can actually change the course of our lives and relationships."

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ― Fred Rogers

I have trouble understanding when someone else wants or needs something from me, please speak up, please ask me, I'd love to love you the way you deserve too.