Unfiltered Thoughts

2019 has been three full years in a span of 365 days and even as its coming to an end, it still has a few lessons and surprises up it's sleeve. Books featured heavily in my year. If you know me, you know I love reading, so it seems fitting to end of the year and begin this series with my favorite things in the whole world, books.  The best book I have read this year, and by best I mean my favourite, is the OG Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. I first read it eons ago as a teen. It is literal chicken soup for the soul. In between the trauma and turmoil I experienced this year, the stories have been encouraging and uplifting. I'd recommend it for all sensitive souls. I found it at my favourite bookstore, Uncle Spike's.  The book I didn't know I needed this year has been Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics by J Ackermann. I stumbled upon it on my audible recommended list. Listening to this book has been like listen...

If you were raised in the faith, if religion was part of your upbringing, if Jesus is the center of your mother's world; don't tell that you no longer believe, don't mention that you're agnostic or atheist, don't break your mother's heart. It wouldn't hurt you to go to church with her on Sunday(or Saturday) when she's around, you haven't lost your voice, just saving her from heartbreak.  You are not pretending, you're choosing kindness. You are not any less agnostic, it doesn't change your "new" belief. No one, not even your mother can take away your choice, ultimately, you choose. Spare her sleepless nights, praying for your "salvation", you know she'll be at those prayer meetings, standing up, sowing seed, bending God's ear, fasting. If your mother is anything like mine, do her a favour, don't break her heart.

My favourite poem by Larkin is "This be the verse" poem my favourite line: They fuck you up your mom and dad... Actually, it's all my favourite, I love the whole thing. Shall I count the ways the world can and has fucked you up and over? Shall I list the traumas that were and are waiting for you? Shall I guess which ones you are suffering from? Can you see what's plaquing me? "You can't be blaming the things that happened in your childhood "  Yeah, sis, I actually can, it's called childhood trauma. " You have to take responsibility for yourself. " I agree but how do I address what I cannot/have not, am not allowed to identify? I want to be a whole, healthy, well adjusted human being. I want to be done with the trauma and maladaptive behaviour. To be quite frank, I am worn out, to my core , exhausted.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, feeling numb, I want to be able to connect and maintain connection with the people in my lif...

I spent this morning thinking about all the people I can't seem to let go of. The ones I need to cut off, people I no longer speak to on a regular basis but am still hung up on and that one guy I've reconciled that I'll always love. My soul is like a graveyard of dead relationships, people long gone. I spent the better part of this evening looking a pictures of an almost love, figured it's time to burn this bridge but I can't, I feel physically ill now. I'm nauseous, my chest hurts, I can't seem to let go off the skeletons of what could've been. I keep thinking, I don't want it, not in this form, certainly not any time soon, still I'm incapable of thoughts of closure.  The Script's good in goodbye  reduces me to tears every single time I get in my feelings.  No matter how it falls apart There's an "art" in breaking hearts But there's no fair in farewell I haven't learned how to let go yet, so I'm goin...

Josephine asked if I’d rather have broken bones or a broken heart , I said neither, really now, next question please. If I could, I’d avoid any and all pain, I’m not a masochist.  A broken heart is not new to me, even before I understood hurt; my heart was already in pieces. Along with skinned knees and that one time a car ran over my foot, I've always known pain. That's the legacy of an alcoholic father and an absent mother; you grow up way too fast. I was stealing flowers from my doctor's practice when a car ran over my foot. Every day on our way back home from school, kids  ran into the yard and plucked roses from the rosebush and ran off. For months I watched them, thinking about how juvenile they were acting, why couldn't they just go in and ask? One particular day, for no apparent reason, on a whim, I decided I wanted a white rose. I plucked up the courage and ran into the yard, plucked a rose, as I was running out of the yard, I collided with a sedan in the ...

They tell me to love myself They don't know that loving you is easier They tell me to love myself first and then I can love you They don't know that loving you has opened the door to loving me You see the pieces of myself I bury in darkness and you embrace them, embrace me, whole heartedly and I join you as we wrap our arms around me Soothing your demons has taught me how to sooth mine Your candor has taught me how to be myself I can face the world knowing that you love me and now I love me too You've taught me I can live without you I never want to see the day I do

I am tempted to harden my heart Turn it to stone So I can never be hurt again Shut out this breaking Reinforce and fortify the iron gates with a steel will around my heart But all that will do is freeze you between the concrete walls and engrave your name in stone So I will cry myself to sleep I will cry until the last tear flashes you out of my system I will miss you, I'll go mad with wanting you till I am sick and then I will throw up and start the recovery I will love you and I will kiss strange men to erase the feeling of your lips on mine on some nights and on others I will reread all our conversations and stare at your pictures, maybe stalk your social media And when it's all said and done I will have my heart back in my own hands