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Shall I Count the Ways?

My favourite poem by Larkin is "This be the verse" poem my favourite line: They fuck you up your mom and dad... Actually, it's all my favourite, I love the whole thing.

Shall I count the ways the world can and has fucked you up and over? Shall I list the traumas that were and are waiting for you? Shall I guess which ones you are suffering from? Can you see what's plaquing me?

"You can't be blaming the things that happened in your childhood"  Yeah, sis, I actually can, it's called childhood trauma.
"You have to take responsibility for yourself."
I agree but how do I address what I cannot/have not, am not allowed to identify?

I want to be a whole, healthy, well adjusted human being. I want to be done with the trauma and maladaptive behaviour. To be quite frank, I am worn out, to my core , exhausted.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, feeling numb, I want to be able to connect and maintain connection with the people in my life. I want to be okay.

When does the journey end? When do I arrive? Shall I count the attempts at fixing myself, shall I list the ways I've failed? Shall I recount how often I give up and barely kept going?

It's been a long time since the start of this self healing journey, roughly 5 years.  I have made a lot of progress this past year,  I'm quite proud of myself. I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago. Maybe that's why I am feeling depleted. Maybe I should remember to give myself a break, a pat on the shoulder and time off.

I'm not sure I'll ever arrive at that place where I'm fully healed, I don't know if that's possible. My aim for now, is to just be fully present, fully self-aware. I want to recognize my triggers and adjust and act accordingly. I want to able to exist and co-exist with myself, body and mind.

Shall I count how many times I will show up for myself? Shall I list the coping mechanisms I've discovered? Shall I tell you that, even if I give up on myself for a while, I'll always come back to me?

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