Hey You
How are you doing? Hope you're better than I am today. I'm feeling like the weather, gloomy.
The words I am about to write to you should probably be only uttered in my shrink's office but that appointment is in two weeks and I am impatient. So bare with me, this is more therapeutic than anything. Also, I hope you never read this, really. I'm going to pretend you won't and pour my heart out; you probably wont, please don't.
So the first time I heard about you, I was deeply hurt, I didn't know your name or what kind of woman you were. All I knew is my ex, your boyfriend, moved on pretty quickly from me. I know I had no right, seeing as I left him but it hurt like a bitch. You see, I was still as in love with him as the day I met him, he was still my sun, moon and stars. I hoped you were temporary, a rebound but you turned out to be much much more.
I'd chosen to put both of you on the back burner till I graduated because thinking of you lead me to some pretty interesting places and landed me in THAT guy's bed. I always knew I was not built for flings and I confirmed it. Granted, he was really hot and the things he did with his tongue, my God! I digress.
Coming back home was like someone hit play on my emotional state. Everything I buried underneath all the exams, assessments and runs in the simulators came flooding back. I didn't want anything to do with either of you so I kept my distance. But you know how people talk, they shared tidbits about what kind of person they thought you were, against my express wishes. I was determined to move on with my life. 6 months in, I was back in town and you were still in his life.
It didn't take long to stalk you online. I was creeping on your twitter and I watched all your videos on your YouTube channel, I even shared a few. I sent the one about "swiping" to most of my friends, I liked it best, it inspired "my feminism stops at the bill and the bar" my new motto.
I couldn't not like you, from what I garnered you were actually cool. Perhaps maybe, if we met in another life we would be friends. We'd hang out and sh*t. It was kind of annoying that I couldn't not like you.
And then, you took over the Mental Health Nam account on twitter and you became a real human being with feelings and sh*t. Initially I didn't know it was you, I was liking and retweeting but when I realised it, I stopped. You were as real to me as a person you've never met got. You weren't just my ex's girl anymore, you were you, a whole person. The icing? From what I saw, you made him happy, that's all I wanted for him. I could sleep at night knowing whatever I had fucked up, you made whole. You kept me from feeling like a complete b*tch. Your presence in his life, even helped me.
When I met him again for the first time, it was almost a year after the break up. I had deluded myself into thinking I was over him, I wasn't. I went as far as dating this now good friend of mine, for two weeks. I was left with the realisation that I still had feelings for YOUR boyfriend. YOURS, not mine. And a whole fucking year later, fuck me!
When I met him I didn't think about how you'd feel until a friend pointed out that it's just not done, and how would I feel if the roles were reversed. I shrugged my shoulders and thought, its him, you know. I could find him in bed with another woman, naked and the explanation is that he isn't cheating. He'd never do anything like that and I'm me, I wouldn't either. But how were you supposed to know that? Strange as it may sound, at the time I was very oblivious.
Besides I had been where you were, at home(or where ever) while he met up with his ex/best friend and I didn't bat an eye lid.
Dear "new" girlfriend, I apologise if my meeting him for "coffee" and catching up caused any friction or discomfort in any way.
Dear "new" girlfriend, I just want to affirm that you were probably not crazy if you felt uneasy about me meeting him, if you thought I had residual feelings for him, you were right.
You were doing your thing, I think. I stopped cyber stalking you for a long while. Life happened and I got busy with work. God, I love my job!
The night I saw you in person for the first time was at the Loft, last year, my heart beat fast. I was so thrown I missed a step (granted I generally am just clumsy). The whole night I watched you, spoke about you, my friend grew sick of it all. On twitter, the next day, you said it was just the night out you needed. I breathed a sigh of relief.
If you noticed I kind of had an imaginary relationship with an imaginary you (as evidenced by this being my longest post yet). I don't know what you're like in person, we've never spoken. But to the figment of my imagination and even maybe the real you I say this: I spent the week crying over MY actual troubles and stuff in my life and I realized I don't have the mental space for him anymore. My life has moved on so much (thank God!) and the you in my mind(imaginary you) I need to let go of.
"Him?" You ask? I care enough about to want him to be okay but half the time these days it's whatever. The other day I saw his insta post and I thought nothing, I kept scrolling.
Dear you, I saw someone who has been in my life in a new light, I've always liked him way too much, letting go of your boyfriend, my ex, freed me up to be romantically entangled.
Dear You, I've moved on to a whole set of new problems, I now have feelings for a friend, FML!! Why can't my life ever be easy?
Dear You, I hope you're happy. I hope you live a full and abundant life. Dear You, keep doing you, you're one amazing human being. I would know.
All the best
Your boyfriend's Ex.
How are you doing? Hope you're better than I am today. I'm feeling like the weather, gloomy.
The words I am about to write to you should probably be only uttered in my shrink's office but that appointment is in two weeks and I am impatient. So bare with me, this is more therapeutic than anything. Also, I hope you never read this, really. I'm going to pretend you won't and pour my heart out; you probably wont, please don't.
So the first time I heard about you, I was deeply hurt, I didn't know your name or what kind of woman you were. All I knew is my ex, your boyfriend, moved on pretty quickly from me. I know I had no right, seeing as I left him but it hurt like a bitch. You see, I was still as in love with him as the day I met him, he was still my sun, moon and stars. I hoped you were temporary, a rebound but you turned out to be much much more.
I'd chosen to put both of you on the back burner till I graduated because thinking of you lead me to some pretty interesting places and landed me in THAT guy's bed. I always knew I was not built for flings and I confirmed it. Granted, he was really hot and the things he did with his tongue, my God! I digress.
Coming back home was like someone hit play on my emotional state. Everything I buried underneath all the exams, assessments and runs in the simulators came flooding back. I didn't want anything to do with either of you so I kept my distance. But you know how people talk, they shared tidbits about what kind of person they thought you were, against my express wishes. I was determined to move on with my life. 6 months in, I was back in town and you were still in his life.
It didn't take long to stalk you online. I was creeping on your twitter and I watched all your videos on your YouTube channel, I even shared a few. I sent the one about "swiping" to most of my friends, I liked it best, it inspired "my feminism stops at the bill and the bar" my new motto.
I couldn't not like you, from what I garnered you were actually cool. Perhaps maybe, if we met in another life we would be friends. We'd hang out and sh*t. It was kind of annoying that I couldn't not like you.
And then, you took over the Mental Health Nam account on twitter and you became a real human being with feelings and sh*t. Initially I didn't know it was you, I was liking and retweeting but when I realised it, I stopped. You were as real to me as a person you've never met got. You weren't just my ex's girl anymore, you were you, a whole person. The icing? From what I saw, you made him happy, that's all I wanted for him. I could sleep at night knowing whatever I had fucked up, you made whole. You kept me from feeling like a complete b*tch. Your presence in his life, even helped me.
When I met him again for the first time, it was almost a year after the break up. I had deluded myself into thinking I was over him, I wasn't. I went as far as dating this now good friend of mine, for two weeks. I was left with the realisation that I still had feelings for YOUR boyfriend. YOURS, not mine. And a whole fucking year later, fuck me!
When I met him I didn't think about how you'd feel until a friend pointed out that it's just not done, and how would I feel if the roles were reversed. I shrugged my shoulders and thought, its him, you know. I could find him in bed with another woman, naked and the explanation is that he isn't cheating. He'd never do anything like that and I'm me, I wouldn't either. But how were you supposed to know that? Strange as it may sound, at the time I was very oblivious.
Besides I had been where you were, at home(or where ever) while he met up with his ex/best friend and I didn't bat an eye lid.
Dear "new" girlfriend, I apologise if my meeting him for "coffee" and catching up caused any friction or discomfort in any way.
Dear "new" girlfriend, I just want to affirm that you were probably not crazy if you felt uneasy about me meeting him, if you thought I had residual feelings for him, you were right.
You were doing your thing, I think. I stopped cyber stalking you for a long while. Life happened and I got busy with work. God, I love my job!
The night I saw you in person for the first time was at the Loft, last year, my heart beat fast. I was so thrown I missed a step (granted I generally am just clumsy). The whole night I watched you, spoke about you, my friend grew sick of it all. On twitter, the next day, you said it was just the night out you needed. I breathed a sigh of relief.
If you noticed I kind of had an imaginary relationship with an imaginary you (as evidenced by this being my longest post yet). I don't know what you're like in person, we've never spoken. But to the figment of my imagination and even maybe the real you I say this: I spent the week crying over MY actual troubles and stuff in my life and I realized I don't have the mental space for him anymore. My life has moved on so much (thank God!) and the you in my mind(imaginary you) I need to let go of.
"Him?" You ask? I care enough about to want him to be okay but half the time these days it's whatever. The other day I saw his insta post and I thought nothing, I kept scrolling.
Dear you, I saw someone who has been in my life in a new light, I've always liked him way too much, letting go of your boyfriend, my ex, freed me up to be romantically entangled.
Dear You, I've moved on to a whole set of new problems, I now have feelings for a friend, FML!! Why can't my life ever be easy?
Dear You, I hope you're happy. I hope you live a full and abundant life. Dear You, keep doing you, you're one amazing human being. I would know.
All the best
Your boyfriend's Ex.
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