My lost Voice and Megaphone

 

I've never been benevolent, every time I did something seemingly altruistic was because I had something to gain. Whether it be tangible or the pleasure of calling myself a good person and a responsible and civic citizen. My conversations at work about sexism and gender roles are motivated by the fact that I am a woman and I stand to benefit. I can now ask senior male colleagues to make me a cup of coffee and get one without much ado. Paraphrasing WAP: "I don't cook, I don't clean but I got a man" Let the patriarchy suck on that! Quite honestly, I was simply tired of hearing the homophobic and/or Christian centered narrative anytime anything gay came up. I know my "Jesus before good morning" folks haven't changed their views on the LGTBQI+ community but they have certainly changed the way they speak about them, at least in my presence; one person's sexual orientation has nothing to do with the next person, mind your own. Being bisexual myself, I don't care for the slander.  I want to write and talk about what and why mental health matters because of my lived experience. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and general anxiety. I think I am okay enough to talk about it and share my two cents, I think I have gathered some working knowledge which I can scream into the abyss and maybe hear an echo. Except I don't know how to go about it. I have spent so much time working on being okay with getting myself to some semblance of sane and not jump into the fray and sacrifice my well-being, I seem to have misplaced my voice and megaphone. I need the world to know that mental health is just as important as your physical health and maybe more so. I desperately need the next kid to not feel judged by their friends and dismissed by their family because that shit fucks with your mind, it hurts like a mother. For 16 year old me, I need this conversation to happen. "I am already struggling to find the will to live, your condescending attitude is not helping. And no mother, I am not demon possessed, I need a competent therapist, not another self-proclaimed man of God.” I need people to know that it's okay to keep looking for a therapist  and that you, one, can trust and two, not only understands you but you feel safe with. Some people offering counseling should not be, they neither have the knowledge or skill to be doing so. I am bitter, it takes a lot of strength to make an appointment with a therapist and actually show up and pay for the session. Then, only to have a mediocre person with no compassion or knowledge of what it means to hold space, let alone guide me through my healing. It's too fucking, one, expensive and two, taxiing on my already depleted resources. Any idea how to find my voice again and have you seen my megaphone?