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A Happy Home

 

I tell him my favourite color is black, like my soul. 

He chuckles disbelieving 

Says no

I allow it. 

I'm too happy ignoring the trauma that's brewing underneath


He lets me sleep in his bed and cuddled up with him because I am always cold, always freezing

I hold him close and hear my heart open and almost weep

Deep breaths, it's going to be okay, it will be alright 


He let me fall in love with him and he pulled the rug from beneath me 

Like jumping into a pool thinking there's water only to fall on shards of broken glass, 

The pool is empty. 


I'm not sure I'm the type of girl that will ever find love, maybe I am too broken

Mommy left, daddy drank and I've been searching for home ever since

My secret dream is to be have a happy home

I saw that home in you, so don't ask me why I can't just walk away…. 


I know better than to hang around waiting for you to be ready

But  

The thought of leaving you physically hurts, 

My chest burns

My  lungs collapse 

Must be the thought of  relinquishing the glimpse of home I saw in you

I saw the promise I made a little girl once

 Her secret dream, 

A happy home

You look like that promise kept. 


I'm kind of glad you are not ready

Sleepless nights and burning heartache aside 

You introduced me to a secret I didn't know I held inside

Shined light on a secret I forgot I made

A happy home 

You helped me see

A broken heart and a mending soul

That's what I get for opening myself up to you 

And me. 


Maybe I will build that home 

Maybe I will cry myself to sleep 

I will crawl inside myself

 Maybe I will find that lost little girl and love her.


I will build that home 

I will love her

I am ready for her

I am here, I will never leave her 

She can want you, but I will make sure she will never need you to breathe again.

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