Unfiltered Thoughts

If you were raised in the faith, if religion was part of your upbringing, if Jesus is the center of your mother's world; don't tell that you no longer believe, don't mention that you're agnostic or atheist, don't break your mother's heart. It wouldn't hurt you to go to church with her on Sunday(or Saturday) when she's around, you haven't lost your voice, just saving her from heartbreak.  You are not pretending, you're choosing kindness. You are not any less agnostic, it doesn't change your "new" belief. No one, not even your mother can take away your choice, ultimately, you choose. Spare her sleepless nights, praying for your "salvation", you know she'll be at those prayer meetings, standing up, sowing seed, bending God's ear, fasting. If your mother is anything like mine, do her a favour, don't break her heart.

My favourite poem by Larkin is "This be the verse" poem my favourite line: They fuck you up your mom and dad... Actually, it's all my favourite, I love the whole thing. Shall I count the ways the world can and has fucked you up and over? Shall I list the traumas that were and are waiting for you? Shall I guess which ones you are suffering from? Can you see what's plaquing me? "You can't be blaming the things that happened in your childhood "  Yeah, sis, I actually can, it's called childhood trauma. " You have to take responsibility for yourself. " I agree but how do I address what I cannot/have not, am not allowed to identify? I want to be a whole, healthy, well adjusted human being. I want to be done with the trauma and maladaptive behaviour. To be quite frank, I am worn out, to my core , exhausted.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, feeling numb, I want to be able to connect and maintain connection with the people in my lif

I spent this morning thinking about all the people I can't seem to let go of. The ones I need to cut off, people I no longer speak to on a regular basis but am still hung up on and that one guy I've reconciled that I'll always love. My soul is like a graveyard of dead relationships, people long gone. I spent the better part of this evening looking a pictures of an almost love, figured it's time to burn this bridge but I can't, I feel physically ill now. I'm nauseous, my chest hurts, I can't seem to let go off the skeletons of what could've been. I keep thinking, I don't want it, not in this form, certainly not any time soon, still I'm incapable of thoughts of closure.  The Script's good in goodbye  reduces me to tears every single time I get in my feelings.  No matter how it falls apart There's an "art" in breaking hearts But there's no fair in farewell I haven't learned how to let go yet, so I'm goin