I have never been particularly brave or strong. I am not the kind of person who would put myself in harm's way to save someone else. Unless the situation requires it of me and I see no other alternative.
Life has demanded I give of myself even before I knew who I was. So I am taking the time to find out who that is, who I am. Initially that required facing up to the trauma and pain that had defined my existence for so long and its companions, denial and repression, as coping mechanisms.
Now that I have made some headway and I am somewhat in touch with my feelings, I find real moments of peace and genuine joy. Although facing disappointment and sadness is still a herculean task, I am no longer running away from situations that may have a 10% chance of blowing up in my face.
I have never been particularly brave or strong but now life is requiring of me to be courageous. This time, for myself. I am not the kind of person who is particularly full of life, but I find moments to dance, literally. I find and sing that song that is playing in my head, to the annoyance of persons around me. I smile, sometimes, as long as it's not before 10am.
It's a little scary and a whole lot of anxiety inducing but I don't think I can live with the alternative. With a little courage and a lot of hard work, because things have never just fallen in my lap, I am off.
And then the crippling doubt sets in, maybe I am too old, maybe I won't be able to make anything out of this; maybe it's too bourgeoisie, for people with money. Maybe life wasn't meant to be kind to me, ever. Except I can't live like this, the alternative is unthinkable. So I put on my running shoes and start a slow jog.
With these words, I me wed
With this breath, I commit to myself
Thus I swear, this oath I make, till my last
I hold and have me,
I declare me, the love of my life.
Life has demanded I give of myself even before I knew who I was. So I am taking the time to find out who that is, who I am. Initially that required facing up to the trauma and pain that had defined my existence for so long and its companions, denial and repression, as coping mechanisms.
Now that I have made some headway and I am somewhat in touch with my feelings, I find real moments of peace and genuine joy. Although facing disappointment and sadness is still a herculean task, I am no longer running away from situations that may have a 10% chance of blowing up in my face.
I have never been particularly brave or strong but now life is requiring of me to be courageous. This time, for myself. I am not the kind of person who is particularly full of life, but I find moments to dance, literally. I find and sing that song that is playing in my head, to the annoyance of persons around me. I smile, sometimes, as long as it's not before 10am.
It's a little scary and a whole lot of anxiety inducing but I don't think I can live with the alternative. With a little courage and a lot of hard work, because things have never just fallen in my lap, I am off.
And then the crippling doubt sets in, maybe I am too old, maybe I won't be able to make anything out of this; maybe it's too bourgeoisie, for people with money. Maybe life wasn't meant to be kind to me, ever. Except I can't live like this, the alternative is unthinkable. So I put on my running shoes and start a slow jog.
With these words, I me wed
With this breath, I commit to myself
Thus I swear, this oath I make, till my last
I hold and have me,
I declare me, the love of my life.
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