Unfiltered Thoughts

They tell me to love myself They don't know that loving you is easier They tell me to love myself first and then I can love you They don't know that loving you has opened the door to loving me You see the pieces of myself I bury in darkness and you embrace them, embrace me, whole heartedly and I join you as we wrap our arms around me Soothing your demons has taught me how to sooth mine Your candor has taught me how to be myself I can face the world knowing that you love me and now I love me too You've taught me I can live without you I never want to see the day I do

I am tempted to harden my heart Turn it to stone So I can never be hurt again Shut out this breaking Reinforce and fortify the iron gates with a steel will around my heart But all that will do is freeze you between the concrete walls and engrave your name in stone So I will cry myself to sleep I will cry until the last tear flashes you out of my system I will miss you, I'll go mad with wanting you till I am sick and then I will throw up and start the recovery I will love you and I will kiss strange men to erase the feeling of your lips on mine on some nights and on others I will reread all our conversations and stare at your pictures, maybe stalk your social media And when it's all said and done I will have my heart back in my own hands

If you feel lost or do not know which way to go If you don't know who you are anymore or maybe never got the chance to get to know yourself You can't recognize the person in the mirror You lost yourself along the way Maybe you morphed into someone else Maybe for someone else You don't know which way is up or whether you are coming or going Maybe you are at a crossroad If you're forgotten No one sees you, the unshakeable pillar of strength that has no one to lean on Maybe they left you behind Or realized how truly alone you are when you stopped calling and no one called you If you are shattered Your pieces so small it's impossible to mold yourself back together The person you once were completely erased You're not alone 7 billion people on the planet, someone on the other side of the world understands You're understood You're not okay, that's okay You're broken You don't have to pull yourself back together You can stop...

I have never been particularly brave or strong. I am not the kind of person who would put myself in harm's way to save someone else. Unless the situation requires it of me and I see no other alternative. Life has demanded I give of myself even before I knew who I was. So I am taking the time to find out who that is, who I am. Initially that required facing up to the trauma and pain that had defined my existence for so long and its companions, denial and repression, as coping mechanisms. Now that I have made some headway and I am somewhat in touch with my feelings, I find real moments of peace and genuine joy. Although facing disappointment and sadness is still a herculean task, I am no longer running away from situations that may have a 10%  chance of blowing up in my face. I have never been particularly brave or strong but now life is requiring of me to be courageous. This time, for myself. I am not the kind of person who is particularly full of life, but I find moments to d...